I've been feeling suicidal for a while now. Lots of sources of stress, all coming one after the other without enough recovery time. I've been self-harming since early May and having suicidal urges since June.
I spoke to my doctor about this in late June. He prescribed amitriptyline for the insomnia, and put me on the waiting list for a counselling session at my local mental health centre. Let's call them Riverview. When I say 'local', I mean about 40 minutes away on public transport, not through distance, but because they're in an area that's close as the crow flies but geographically inconvenient.
A friend took me down to London for a few days shortly after this. I ended up calling NHS direct because I was having an overwhelming urge to jump into the Thames/under a tube. They ended up calling an ambulance, and I spent a few hours waiting around to see a psychiatrist in the hospital. Good Psychiatrist agreed that, at that point, I was no longer a danger to myself; despite feeling suicidal urges, I was able and willing to ask for help. Plus, as in most suicidal people, the urges come on very strongly for a while then fade away. She agreed that it was best for me to seek longer term care in Birmingham rather than be sectioned in London, and faxed information over to my GP, asking that they hurry the mental health team along slightly.
A few days later, I got a call from Nick at Riverview. He set up an appointment for me to come in at 2:30pm the next day for an initial assessment. I got there at 2:15pm, and waited. And waited. And waited. Eventually, at twenty to four, Nick called me on. On hearing his name, I was expecting an apology for the waiting; since he'd set up the appointment, surely he knew I'd been waiting an hour? Apparently not. When I pointed this out he said "I'm sorry if that's what happened."
I corrected him. "There's no 'if'. You set up an appointment for me for today at half past two."
He then apologised for that, and asked if I'd like to see someone else. He said the wait would be about an hour for someone else. Since, you know, leaving a suicidal person alone with their (suicidal) thoughts is generally not a safe option, I decided to stick with what I'd got rather than risk it.
Nick and I talked through my sources of stress. He offered to have me wait for the doctor, while agreeing that since the doctor on duty could only prescribe anti-depressants, this would not be the best option for me. My issues are poor coping methods for the huge amount of stress I was under; not a chemical imbalance. Instead, he said he'd set up a counselling appointment for me. I did get a letter about an appointment two weeks later, but I only received notice of it the day before it was scheduled for. It was in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon. I called during my lunchbreak and told them I wouldn't be able to make it. Okay, there is a huge overlap between the mentally ill and the unemployed, but it certainly doesn't cover all of us. They said they'd get back to me, in a way which suggested they were astonished that I'd even think of not immediately dropping everything - regardless of the consequences - to come in when it was convenient for them.
I appreciate that the NHS is overworked. I see no reason for it to result in this total inflexibility. Would it not have been possible to call and discuss, say, three possible appointment times in the slightly further future instead of
I didn't hear anything for another three weeks. After a small episode at work, I ended up in A&E again. This time it was the hospital near work, in Solihull.
Going to A&E doesn't have a major boost to my long-term mental health. But, it does mean being under supervision immediately, which was reassuring to my employer, as HR was able to physically walk me over and hand me over to the reception staff there. Being in the waiting room, knowing that people around know I'm a suicide risk means I can't actually do anything to hurt myself for the few hours it takes for the urges to pass.
Anyway, after two hours, spoke to another psychiatrist. She said she'd fax Riverview again to remind them that I still needed help. After checking their records, she told me that I'd "refused" to see a doctor and that I'd "cancelled" my initial appointment. I pointed out that I'd just told her; Nick had agreed that seeing the doctor for medication was not the best option for me, and that I hadn't "cancelled" an appointment - I'd asked for it to be rescheduled, as they hadn't given me enough notice to rearrange things in order to actually make that appointment.
She said "Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about that," in a way which I felt was snotty and unprofessional. She then told me that I have an appointment on the 3rd of September.
I asked why I hadn't been told about this, since I was actually in the process of making plans to visit a friend in another city on that date.
She said "You should prioritise your health!".
Yes, that's what suicidal people are really into. Chasing after useful parts of the NHS to make them do their jobs to keep us alive.
I pointed out that, now I knew the appointment existed, I would be able to attend it. I asked when they would have informed me had I not needed to visit A&E that day. After all, if I hadn't found out, I'd have bought train tickets which would not have been refundable if I'd suddenly had to drop everything.
She said they'd tell me a week in advance, since people tended to forget if they were told earlier. I said this was a stupid system, because of the aforementioned not-being-able-to-drop-everything-at-the-last-moment. I also expressed dissatisfaction with Riverview in general, pointing out Nick's being over an hour late to an appointment he'd made for himself, and the snotty phone attitude.
The psychiatrist put on a stupid expression and said "But you've only been there once! How can you say they've always been terrible?"
I pointed out that I'd interacted with them on a number of occasions, which is what I was referring to.
She then said again, "I don't know what you expect me to do about it!" and "You're being very inflexible!".
I asked what was inflexible about being perfectly willing and able to attend an appointment once I knew it existed?
She said we should agree to disagree, because we could argue about it all day. I actually started crying through frustration at one point - I only wanted her to agree that it sucked - but after getting me a tissue, she'd started up again. I know I'm a pain in the arse sometimes, but you'd think medical professionals dealing with suicidal people would remember to behave like medical professionals dealing with suicidal people no matter how much of a pain in the arse those people are being.
Anyway, nearly the end of the story. It's now the 2nd of September. I have yet to have confirmation in any form from Riverside regarding an appointment tomorrow. Maybe it'll come in tomorrow's post. I'm in two minds as to whether to go or not, even if it does. I hardly trust them to safeguard my mental health!
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