Why I'm Pissed Off at the NHS

I've been feeling suicidal for a while now.  Lots of sources of stress, all coming one after the other without enough recovery time.  I've been self-harming since early May and having suicidal urges since June.

I spoke to my doctor about this in late June.  He prescribed amitriptyline for the insomnia, and put me on the waiting list for a counselling session at my local mental health centre.  Let's call them Riverview.  When I say 'local', I mean about 40 minutes away on public transport, not through distance, but because they're in an area that's close as the crow flies but geographically inconvenient.



A friend took me down to London for a few days shortly after this.  I ended up calling NHS direct because I was having an overwhelming urge to jump into the Thames/under a tube.  They ended up calling an ambulance, and I spent a few hours waiting around to see a psychiatrist in the hospital.  Good Psychiatrist agreed that, at that point, I was no longer a danger to myself; despite feeling suicidal urges, I was able and willing to ask for help.  Plus, as in most suicidal people, the urges come on very strongly for a while then fade away.  She agreed that it was best for me to seek longer term care in Birmingham rather than be sectioned in London, and faxed information over to my GP, asking that they hurry the mental health team along slightly.

A few days later, I got a call from Nick at Riverview.  He set up an appointment for me to come in at 2:30pm the next day for an initial assessment.  I got there at 2:15pm, and waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Eventually, at twenty to four, Nick called me on.  On hearing his name, I was expecting an apology for the waiting; since he'd set up the appointment, surely he knew I'd been waiting an hour?  Apparently not.  When I pointed this out he said "I'm sorry if that's what happened."

I corrected him.  "There's no 'if'.  You set up an appointment for me for today at half past two."

He then apologised for that, and asked if I'd like to see someone else.  He said the wait would be about an hour for someone else.  Since, you know, leaving a suicidal person alone with their (suicidal) thoughts is generally not a safe option, I decided to stick with what I'd got rather than risk it.

Nick and I talked through my sources of stress.  He offered to have me wait for the doctor, while agreeing that since the doctor on duty could only prescribe anti-depressants, this would not be the best option for me.  My issues are poor coping methods for the huge amount of stress I was under; not a chemical imbalance.  Instead, he said he'd set up a counselling appointment for me.  I did get a letter about an appointment two weeks later, but I only received notice of it the day before it was scheduled for.  It was in the middle of a Wednesday afternoon.  I called during my lunchbreak and told them I wouldn't be able to make it.  Okay, there is a huge overlap between the mentally ill and the unemployed, but it certainly doesn't cover all of us.  They said they'd get back to me, in a way which suggested they were astonished that I'd even think of not immediately dropping everything - regardless of the consequences - to come in when it was convenient for them.

I appreciate that the NHS is overworked.  I see no reason for it to result in this total inflexibility.  Would it not have been possible to call and discuss, say, three possible appointment times in the slightly further future instead of

I didn't hear anything for another three weeks. After a small episode at work, I ended up in A&E again.  This time it was the hospital near work, in Solihull.

Going to A&E doesn't have a major boost to my long-term mental health.  But, it does mean being under supervision immediately, which was reassuring to my employer, as HR was able to physically walk me over and hand me over to the reception staff there.  Being in the waiting room, knowing that people around know I'm a suicide risk means I can't actually do anything to hurt myself for the few hours it takes for the urges to pass.

Anyway, after two hours, spoke to another psychiatrist.  She said she'd fax Riverview again to remind them that I still needed help.   After checking their records, she told me that I'd "refused" to see a doctor and that I'd "cancelled" my initial appointment.  I pointed out that I'd just told her; Nick had agreed that seeing the doctor for medication was not the best option for me, and that I hadn't "cancelled" an appointment - I'd asked for it to be rescheduled, as they hadn't given me enough notice to rearrange things in order to actually make that appointment.

She said "Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about that," in a way which I felt was snotty and unprofessional.  She then told me that I have an appointment on the 3rd of September. 

I asked why I hadn't been told about this, since I was actually in the process of making plans to visit a friend in another city on that date.

She said "You should prioritise your health!".

Yes, that's what suicidal people are really into.  Chasing after useful parts of the NHS to make them do their jobs to keep us alive.

I pointed out that, now I knew the appointment existed, I would be able to attend it.  I asked when they would have informed me had I not needed to visit A&E that day.  After all, if I hadn't found out, I'd have bought train tickets which would not have been refundable if I'd suddenly had to drop everything.

She said they'd tell me a week in advance, since people tended to forget if they were told earlier.  I said this was a stupid system, because of the aforementioned not-being-able-to-drop-everything-at-the-last-moment.  I also expressed dissatisfaction with Riverview in general, pointing out Nick's being over an hour late to an appointment he'd made for himself, and the snotty phone attitude.

The psychiatrist put on a stupid expression and said "But you've only been there once!  How can you say they've always been terrible?"

I pointed out that I'd interacted with them on a number of occasions, which is what I was referring to.

She then said again, "I don't know what you expect me to do about it!" and "You're being very inflexible!".

I asked what was inflexible about being perfectly willing and able to attend an appointment once I knew it existed?

She said we should agree to disagree, because we could argue about it all day.  I actually started crying through frustration at one point - I only wanted her to agree that it sucked - but after getting me a tissue, she'd started up again.  I know I'm a pain in the arse sometimes, but you'd think medical professionals dealing with suicidal people would remember to behave like medical professionals dealing with suicidal people no matter how much of a pain in the arse those people are being.

Anyway, nearly the end of the story.  It's now the 2nd of September.  I have yet to have confirmation in any form from Riverside regarding an appointment tomorrow.  Maybe it'll come in tomorrow's post.  I'm in two minds as to whether to go or not, even if it does.  I hardly trust them to safeguard my mental health!

Kerrang Radio

I listen to Kerrang mostly because my other choices suck. Kerrang plays a decent amount of alternative music, which I like, and doesn't play anything by the Jonas Brothers, which is always a plus. They helped me discover Cake and the Flobots, though god knows why they played Coldplay earlier.

So, yeah, Kerrang's music isn't a problem. The DJs, on the other hand...

Well, first of all, they all seem to be thirty-year-olds attempting to be "down with the kids". Now, I haven't actually checked anyone's age - that's just an impression.

Oh, and another bit of hypocrisy - Kerrang, like most radio stations aimed at teenagers, includes those government-issued alcoholic health warnings. At the same time, they're playing their own adverts, which state "because weekends are made to be only vaguely remembered".

Honestly, does no one working there ever listen to the bollocks they're putting out?

Anyway, the reason I've picked them to rant about is due to something I heard this afternoon. Apparently, they're doing a new things called "points of view" (or something like that - I confess to being too distracted to turn the damn thing off at the time). It seems to consist of them digging around internet messageboards as if they're a completely new thing and making fun of people for posting on them. Not necessarily anything they've written - just the fact that they took the time to write it. Apparently, anyone who writes anything online is lacking a life. Which doesn't quite explain why the Kerrang website includes blogs for its DJs. Another attempt to make them appear "hip"?

Internet message boards have been around for, what, fifteen, twenty years now? Why has Kerrang only just appeared to notice? And is everyone involved really so ignorant as to think that this is somehow "cool", to make fun of anyone involved in the online world?

Fucks sake - at least pretend to keep up.

Get the Fuck Off My Screen

So, on the cover of the Metro early, I saw a picture of "Britain's Bravest Bride".

Guess who?

No, I'll tell you, you'd never guess if you didn't already know. It's Jade "racist thicko" Goody.

I'm not entirely sure what qualifies her to be Britain's 'bravest' bride. I'm aware that she has cancer, and is expected to die soon, but, honestly, women like that are married everyday, and don't get £70,000 from Hello for it. Or was it OK!? Doesn't matter, I don't read either. And I don't care - I'm sick of having it shoved in my face.

This next sentence may not gain me any fans, but I'll write it anyway. Having cancer does not make you a better, more worthy person, and nor does it make you brave. It's unfortunate to put it mildly, but it doesn't change you as a person. Your response to it is what matters - and Jade's response hasn't changed since she got her first taste of fame on Big Brother. She milked it, and will continue to do so after her death. That's not brave, and there are many brides and cancer patients more worthy of the attention the media are currently showering on her. My aunt, for instance, was told she had only a few months to live. That was over ten years ago, and she now runs a successful business in-between surgeries.

I've been holding this post off for days, because it seems hypocritical to give the pain more attention while criticizing the media for doing so. But after that metro article, I hit breaking point. Calling Jade Goody "Britain's Bravest Bride" makes a mockery of bravery, brides and cancer patients. Jade is still the racist bullying idiot she always was, and it seems that cancer hasn't changed her. Nor has it changed my feelings on her - I didn't care about her then, and I don't now. I may be called heartless, but at least I'm not claiming that contracting cancer makes one a better person.

So here's a message to the journalists of the UK - go back to writing about actual news.

Oh, and one more thing.

http://fametastic.co.uk/archive/20090115/15015/jade-goody-im-keeping-my-cancer-battle-from-my-kids/

Well done on respecting the wishes of a dying woman, fucktards.